Love me, unconditionally.
What will it take for you to not hurt me anymore? You don’t realize how much your lies kills me inside. I try to escape it but I’m stuck in this same circle. I don’t want you to hurt me anymore… I don’t want you to lie to me. We only have each other now, so is there a possible way we can work things out? I still need you nonetheless, even at times when I tend to push you away… But you always said I was meant to be independent. I grew up independent because of you. I understand it’s life that we’re bound to let go of each other, though I do know it’s not the time yet… We’ve worked so hard to find that common ground between us, so why give up now? We’ve barely gotten close, I don’t want to feel distant again. I don’t need you to protect me, I’ve built that shield around me a long time ago. I don’t need you to tell me everything will be fine, I do have strong faith in God. I don’t need you to be a friend, I have plenty at hand right where they belong… I just need you to be a mother, and to love me unconditionally. Not just any mother, but the one I became so attached to when I was a little girl. The one who never gave up on me when everyone else did… I need her back — I can remember when I was only 8 years old, during the times when you weren’t around and no where to be found, I wake up from a nap and you were gone. Then I’m constantly sneaking into your room, trying to find you in messy blankets, calling out your name. As I’m fighting tears, I budge your closet door open only to check if your luggage was still there. And to my surprise, it is, so I slump down next to it, crawling into a ball crying my eyes out wondering what is going on with my family… Why sudden fights occurred, and loud harsh voices struck the house causing a riot… And before anyone can catch me, I hide away under my bed because I felt a lot safer with midnight monsters than my own family. Then I’m covering my ears holding tightly to my teddy bear screaming, “STOP! PLEASE STOP!”
I never forget that feeling. I could never forget, no matter how hard I try. Because when I was 8 years old, I had to remind myself to prepare for any given moment, which you would just abandoned me. 10 years later and yet I’m still stuck in that same spot. I still hide away, counting scars and reminding myself, not a single 8 year old should have to suffer through that kind of pain… And not even an 18 year old deserves to be in that position.
So what will it take for you to not hurt me anymore?
